a tale of two boys: the arrival of abigail's twin brothers

tonight has been an evening of great reflection
tonight Jani and Jesse
champion parents to our sweet miracle baby Abigail
were once again brought to that moment of greatest anticipation
the birth of their child
and this time the anticipation was doubled
with the birth of twins
twin boys

i know they have been beyond elated to have two new additions to their family
but i can only imagine what entering that hospital felt like to them
did that overwhelming feeling of anticipation become dimmed by a rush of fear
i dare say that it may have
i know i would have let it creep in uninvited

for those of you who have joined our little community within the past two years
you may not be familiar with the story of little Abigail and the fight for her life
born with part of her heart missing
her heart backwards
and on the wrong side
to be then reconstructed several times within such a short period of time
the waiting
the wondering
the holding of ones breath for great lengths of time
i know so many of you journeyed with me
and like me lived from moment to moment on updates regarding her surgeries, setbacks, and recoveries

hers is a story of courage and miracles
fought not only within her own little soul but within that of her valiant father and mother
for many long months

to watch a video i made of the beginnings of her life including that heart wrenching life flight
come visit here
to read more of her journey over those months click here or on the 'abigail' link in the sidebar

this is a family of warriors
tonight two strong boys joined Abigail as children to my fine brother and his superhuman wife
enduring nearly two days of intense labor
jani fought hard to deliver both of her boys naturally
extreme back labor caused an epidural to be necessary at the end of day one
the position of both of the boys allowed for the need for a c-section to be kept at bay
long did she labor
finally help was given for her labor to progress
but it did not
at least not at all in a manner i would deem real progress
slowly it continued
despite the strong contractions

at last this afternoon baby boy one arrived into this world
nicknamed Flex by his grandpa
with his brother baby boy two, nicknamed Blaze, still rather high up
Flex and Blaze
that's how we have known them
little Flex weighed a healthy 5 lbs 1 oz
and looks so much like my brother Jesse i just love it
he arrived doing well
no surprises
he would soon be named
Thomas Russell Dix
a fine name don't you think

i have never experienced a double birth

but i can imagine the sort of mix of emotions

having delivered pure joy after such tribulation

only to have to continue to push and toil once again

for jani this pushing and laboring lasted hours more

to the point where jani just didn't know if she could last much longer

as i am sure you may surmise this woman is one of absolute stamina, faith, and courage

unfortunately Blaze was larger than Thomas and got stuck in the efforts to be delivered

so a c-section was needed

much to jani's dismay

but i know her heart was only directed toward doing what was best for her babies

a time of communication darkness ensued between those there at the hospital and myself

it is ever so difficult to be so far away from my family during moments such as these

during Abigail's birth, surgeries, and fights for her life

i was in california while they were in utah

this time i am the one in utah and they are in california

the next text message i received told me that Blaze was born but was whisked away due to breathing difficulties

my brother was beside himself

i have no doubt that the memories of Abigail's birth flooded his mind

emotions mixed with experiences mixed with logic mixed with faith

all whirling around inside

i could visualize his facial expressions and his stance in my mind

i will say of my brother that he feels the pain of others like no one i have ever known

he feels what they feel

he takes them upon himself

once again a stretch of a communication void
but then there appeared across my phone screen the most beautiful words and photos
the babies were both breathing on their own
both on their own
and daddy and grandma were holding them
jani was in the recovery room resting peacefully

here is jesse with Thomas Russell
and our first glimpse at Blaze...to be named soon

i think i breathed for the first time

and now i am happy to present the first moments Jani was able to see and hold her babies
Jani is the champion of the world
Movember Jesse looks much more worry free
i am so grateful for the miracles that continue to happen in this family
we are continually blessed with watchful heavenly care
and i have no doubt that daddy is able to be close by for occasions such as these
how i wish these little ones could pass on messages from him

photos below:
Jani and Jes with Thomas Russell {baby one}
with Baby Blaze {baby two}
Baby Blaze
Baby Blaze
Thomas Russell whom I can see a lot of Jani in him now
Thomas Russell

i can not wait to see the whole family together
thank you family and friends once again for lifting us up in your prayers
it is an incredible feeling to be surrounded by an army of prayers from those who care for and love you
it is nearly tangible
as it has been many times before
thank you
thank you

my trail of reminders: awake, for God is a God of miracles

whether it was the looming cloud cover today
or the fact that i sat at the top of the stairs and wept in disbelief as i watched my beloved husband scoot down the stairs one tread at a time 
his legs did not have the strength to step down them
then to stagger as he tried to stand at the bottom
all with determination to make it on his own
...today has been heavy

but there has also been a trail of reminders throughout my day that has culminated into an undeniable divine message for me

as we drove to school under a grey sky this verse of this hymn parted the heavens momentarily to remind me of peace and hope

when dark clouds of trouble hang o’re usand threaten our peace to destroy,there is hope smiling brightly before us,and we know that deliv’rance is nigh.we doubt not the Lord nor his goodness.we’ve proved him in days that are past.

we thank thee o God for a Prophet

later on i was able to dedicate some time for reflection

and a particular verse spoke out to my heavy spirit

behold he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God.  Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word.

Alma 5:7

awoke unto God
what a powerful imagery of indescribable brightness
awakening unto him out of the deep sleep of our grief, anger, loneliness, pride
and though we may be in the very midst, heart, core surrounded by our thickest darkness
nevertheless
oh my father’s favorite word
nevertheless
our souls will be illuminated by the light of his promises, his gospel, his love
our hearts will be changed

this is a promise i will cling on to
reach for
embrace

the last breadcrumb of my trail to hope amidst my trouble came in an expected way
my stalwart sister in law Jani that you have all come to know through her strength during the scariest of trials,
one that is difficult to summarize briefly
but one of putting faith in the Lord and doctors that Abigail’s newborn heart could be reconstructed and she could live, grow, develop
Jani asked me to make a copy of the video that i created using those first images of their new little family, 
the air flight helicopter, the waiting, the life saving tube, the moments of first connection between parent and child
a video that only showed the beginnings of her long struggle
she wanted to show this as a testament of overcoming adversity to her young women whom she teaches for our church 
youth who by looking at this energetic little one
may never have guessed the treacherous trials she has passed through

as i saw the miracle of abigail unfold before my eyes once again
i wanted to run and hold my vivacious little niece
one who will be undergoing surgery once again in a few short months

she is a living testimony to me that God is a God of miracles 
and that whatever difficulty i am going through, he will lead me through it
I am in his hands
Mike is in his hands
this trail of divine signatures was the perfect reminder today
that i doubt not the Lord nor his goodness
for he has proved it in days that are past
and he will prove it again and again,
each and every day as i awake unto Him
and though i may be surrounded by darkness at times
my soul will be illuminated by that knowledge that i am in His hands
His hands 
a God of endless things but most of all a Father in the truest sense of the title

of all the titles of respect and honor and admiration that are given to Deity,he has asked us to address him as Father

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

{for the beginning of Abigail's life miracle start here and to read more click here or on the label 'Abigail' in the sidebar
to read more about our journey with Multiple Sclerosis click here }

sunny days, sweepin' the clouds away

everything i learned, i learned on sesame street, right?
can you hear the beat of the opening song
dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun

sunny days, sweepin' the clouds away...
{enjoy this beautiful rendition by Joshua Radin here}

{yes i have my own Sesame Street book}

that's what i'm trying to do over here in 'woe-is-me'ville
sweep those blues away
and focus on the sunnier side of my blessed life

here are a few of the rays of sunshine that have parted those clouds
represented through a little iphoneographie and instragramologie


a girl's night out with my dearest Leslie always my advocate and cheering section... boy did i need the laughs and yummy food and there were plenty of both  {you've got to try PF Chang's banana spring rolls ... they're heaven!!}

Leslie and i created a photo scavenger hunt for each other...Leslie was killer and determined to win ...one of my requirements: a mohawk with a peace sign.  oh the antics to get this one!

'may i take your order?' owen asks.  in n out...always a bright spot.  i never tire of its yumminess, even after working there in high school.  tate wasn't into it, but that's ok.  he was definitely into his shake.

Dada and baby girl sharing a neapolitan shake.  yes, they make those on request!  this man is such an amazing father, husband, and optimist...keeps going and going.  

a surprise party for my gorgeous little sis...her 30th!  man i'm old.  nes knows just the right times to check on me.  must be sister intuition:)

some time alone...just me and the sea.  there is just something about the lulling sound of the majestic ocean waves that washes away the worries of a day.

a game of telephone with some serious cuties.

seriously it had been far too long since i had blown bubbles in my gum.  a feeling of carefree childhood rushed to my lips.

for a understanding husband who stays home with the kids so i can spend hours at a time with my Daddy.   Mike himself spends hours of time with him as well.  so grateful for their relationship.

rejuvenating time with my Mom at the San Diego Temple...feeling so near to my Heavenly Father... refueling spiritually then physically with some scrumptious greek food.

Abigail the miracle baby turned one... she is such a joy to our family with her busy little ways.  her life is a testament of God's power and love and the effect of a community of prayers.

living next door to my parents is such a blessing.  overnight campouts for the boys being one of the many benefits.

some Papa time at home...even if just for a day

some girlie time with Mom and my sisters.  so blessed to have all of their support in my life.  we have been holding each other up.  just missing Kelli here.  can you believe i got my toe nails painted?  much do to the encouragement of Mike who is not a 'foot' person. apparently mine were in dire need of attention.

a surprise 35th wedding anniversary party for my parents!!! Daddy was able to come home straight from the hospital to be at my Mom's side to greet his 150 guests who celebrated their exemplary marriage with all of us.  many, many hands made this unforgettable evening possible!!!

morning yoga with the kids.  love their enthusiasm and energy.  i miss teaching.  yoga is medicine for the soul.

Felicity displaying her excellent form in the 3-legged downward dog and Tate with his alligator pose.

life is a joy when i see the little bits that fit together to give it real meaning.
i have shared this moving video with you before, but i hope you will enjoy it again, as i do each time i watch it.
watch it here.

it features some of my favorite quotes that keep me focusing on what truly matters most:

moments are the molecules that make up eternity.

Elder Neal A Maxwell

its not so much the major events, as the small day to day decisions that map the course of our living.  

Pres. Gordon B Hinckley

we would do well to slow down a little, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes and truly see the things that matter most.  strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light.  it comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most. diligently doing the things that matter most will lead us to the Savior of the World 

Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf

as i focus on the significant and lift up my eyes
sunny days will most definitely sweep those clouds away.

For those days I just can't get out of bed

photo by magicisland

the past few weeks have been full

full of heartache

with the admission of both my Daddy and Abigail into the hospital on the same day though states apart, Mike’s increasing pain and restless nights, still our uninvited guest clings to us

full of little lifting moments

a hair cut made possible by my Mom for my birthday, a dreamy birthday package from a dear friend, a birthday date night with my sweet hubby made possible by generous friends, a cheery orchid on my counter from another sweet friend, Owen’s Honor Roll assembly, Tate cleaning up the backyard without being asked, Owen thanking me for taking time out of my day to come sign something at school, Eyan’s morning hugs, Felicity’s expanding vocabulary and sentence structure to include ‘I yuv you Mommy’, Mike taking the kids to school and watching them so I could stay overnight with my Daddy in the hospital

as i became nervous that the plasmapheresis was not producing the magical results that it had in the past for my Daddy’s IGM levels as well as his energy and consequently his spirits, i allowed my mind to stray for a moment on what i would do without my father in this life.  it was a bleak travel of thought i floated down for a minute.  

i thought of an amazing friend who recently lost her father and the strength of testimony and gratitude i have seen her display.  

but i did think, how does she get out of bed some mornings?

even with the knowledge of the eternal nature of our spirits, there has to be some days in which just this temporary separation seems too much to bear.

since last i wrote, i was asked to speak at a Women’s Conference for the women of my church in our area, something called a Stake made up of multiple congregations.  the topic that i was given was Trials

despite my anxiety of speaking to such a large group of phenomenal women, i felt as if my talk wrote itself.  Heavenly Father poured into my heart the things that he had desired for me to learn from my most recent continuing string of trials

how to know Him in the midst of them all

these words of comfort and instruction continue on a daily basis to flood into my mind when i allow despair and fear to creep in

here are my concluding paragraphs:

***

Oftentimes my trials and struggles blind me, they are that pebble that I have held up to my eye that prevents me from seeing beyond it.  I have had a beautiful and blessed life and I allow fear to take over in imagining the tolls disease may take on my Daddy and my husband and what our life together may become.  I find myself like Lot’s wife looking behind because she could not imagine that her future could have been better than her past.  If there is anyone who we can look to on this earth for optimism, it is our dear living prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Pres. Thomas S. Monson who proclaimed in his closing testimony in the April 2009 General Conference, “The future is as bright as your faith”.

Sisters, I pray as you see your life before you that your faith will lead you to a bright future no matter your current situation.  That as we seek to Know our Heavenly Father through recognizing His active hand in our daily life through prayer, through recording our experiences to enable the Spirit to teach us, and by being watchful to not resent those very things which are building our divine nature, we may truly be able to say as Nephi, “Nevertheless, I Know In whom I have trusted”.

***

i am grateful to a loving and merciful Heavenly Father who provided me with an opportunity to speak so that i could be still, and sit and reflect on the lessons that He was asking me to learn when i just didn’t think i could be stretched any more.  Who’s gift to me of the Holy Ghost brought to my mind in just that instant the words of one of my favorite quotes from the ever eloquent apostle of the Lord, Elder Neal A Maxwell, from his powerful book “The Promise of Discipleship”

“Even if and when we seem to have squeezed out the last full measure of our devotion, an omniscient and perfectly empathic God not only knows the difficulties through which we have passed and are passing but also knows if any residue of unused devotion still remains to further the process!”

Heavenly Father knows what we are capable of and of our potential for greatness - He knows our heart, He is our creator, He sees our life, He sees it in its complete form.  He knows what we are to become.  And through his wisdom and mercy He will utilize any residue of unused devotion to refine us and raise us to levels of faith and testimony that we didn’t even know we were capable of.

i pray that these thoughts will continue to bring comfort, peace and joy to me

even, and especially, on those mornings i just don’t feel like getting out of bed

In the Arms of Your Daddy

in the arms of your daddy

that is where you want to be 

feeling safe and protected

feeling warmth and strength

i can not fathom how dearly Jesse wishes that for Abigail.  

with every embrace he wants her to feel that.

how he wishes he could do more

but oh how i know he is doing so much.

doing just that 

and more

above those arms are the shoulders which carry oh so many burdens

my Jesse is a man, a man who is a man in every noble and true sense of the word.

how this sister is so proud of him

this last photo is such a stark contrast to the videos of a bouncing and lively Abigail i have seen over the past few months.  

yes baby Abigail is back in the hospital today.

another procedure, i believe her fourth surgery since her birth in July.

thankfully she is already out and recovering in the arms of her stalwart father.

the procedure was suspected to take four hours and they were completed in a hour and a half with rave reviews.  i do not have the exact results yet as to what they were able to accomplish or discover from the procedure, but my mother emailed me this morning with the details regarding the purpose for the procedure:

"she is undergoing a procedure to enlarge her pulmonary artery to allow greater oxygen flow.  Her anatomy has been modified to allow blood to flow via gravity from her brain through the superior vena cava directly to her pulmonary artery bypassing her heart altogether to obtain oxygen in her lungs. The doctors are concerned that her pulmonary artery has narrowed preventing sufficient blood to be oxygenated.  This is why she is needing this procedure.  There are 3 possible things that they will do: 1. check the pulmonary artery to see if it has narrowed & check to make sure that oxygenated and deoxygenated blood are not mixing together and causing her saturation levels to decrease 2. they will probably need to use a balloon to enlarge the pulmonary 3. they may need in addition to the balloon to insert a stint to keep it open.  Hope that makes sense!"

both my mother and father are there with Jesse, Jani, and little Abigail today.  My mother expressed gratitude for being able to come up prior to the surgery so that she could spend time with Abigail, to become reacquainted and play!!

"She's a sweet baby girl and is so active.  It makes me happy to see her so normal!!"

our family has been overwhelmed by the love you have expressed for this champion of a baby, even Abigail.  we would love your continued prayers and thoughts as she moves into recovery and observation.

**UPDATED 5:15 pm**

after speaking with my mom, i have more details to share and great news!
the doctors ordered this procedure because they had believed that Abigail's pulmonary artery was narrowing.  they intended to insert a balloon into it, but after doing their initial measurements and look via wires and probe placed through a tube inserted in a vein in her neck, they discovered that the artery had not narrowed after all.  what they had believed to have seen on pre-surgical tests as her pulmonary artery, was in fact an additional small branch that is connected off of her pulmonary artery which is aiding in the flow of blood to the lungs.   from what i understand, everyone has this particular branch, but it is in a different location within the normal anatomy of the heart.

the doctors were very pleased with how everything looked and was flowing.  they believe that she will not require another surgery until she is 3!  her oxygen saturation levels are currently acceptable though still low.  she will continue to be allowed to be entirely off oxygen, a fete that is only been a week or so in the making.   the procedure lasted only an hour and a half and she was then back in the arms of her daddy and mommy.  although she was a little irritable, she recuperated quickly and is now at home!!!

my mother told me that when she had arrived the day before the surgery, Jesse had made a remark to advise her that Abigail was not a snuggler but was in constant motion.  and boy was that the truth, she twisted and turned, always wanting to be put down and on the move.
today after the surgery Abigail just laid in Jesse's arms.  Jesse voiced concerns that she must not be feeling alright, but my mother simply told him, just enjoy holding her Jesse, just enjoy it!

Period of Adjustment

Last night was the first night that Abigail, Jesse, and Jani were back in their own home as a family unit.  They had stayed at Jani's family's house the previous one.  Jani's family has been a great support to them over these past months.  Such a blessing!

I was able to Skype with Jesse and Abigail yesterday and it was a joy to see her smiling face with that adorable tuft of red hair.  Jesse had expressed concerns regarding Abigail adopting new characteristics and preferences since this last hospital experience.  In some ways the baby they have now is very different from the one that went into the hospital.   I think it will be a period of adjustment for all of them as they try to settle back in to some sort of schedule as well as understand Abigail's new needs and behaviors.

Thankfully last night was much better than her first night out of the hospital.  Abigail, and consequently Jesse and Jani, had a really good night.  Today Abigail has seemed very happy.  So happy to see her in such a typical infant setting: surrounded by toys, fingers in mouth, and in a cozy environment - her own home.

Talking All Morning

Abigail is doing great today.  She has had a few pain crying spells, but overall has been happy.  She's been talking up a storm.  The nurses told Jani that she was talking all morning.  I am sure that was such a relief for Jani and Jesse to see their happy baby return.  Jani heard a rumor that Abigail might get to go home tomorrow.  I will be anxiously awaiting that news!

Jani just sent me this photo of the sleeping angel snoozing peacefully.  She said that they are getting ready to move her out of the ICU!  I hope she gets her own window again:)

***UPDATE Oct 29 10:31 am from my phone***
Fantastic news...Abigail will be going home today!!! This has to be my most favorite photo of Abigail. It brings me such joy to see her glowing with such life. Her little eyes sparkling, her flush cheeks, and engaging smile. What a site this must be for Jani and Jesse. Jani said that Abigail won't stop talking.
....
Just got a text while I was typing this...
Abigail is free! She has been released from the hospital!!!!

Immediate Call for Prayers

It is never a good thing to hear a long pause after you ask someone how they are doing. I just received an emotional phone call from my mother. Abigail is in desperate need of prayers right now. The past two days have been very hard on her and consequently on my brother and my sister-in-law. Despite her intermittent smiles during the day on Monday, Abigail continued to cry out in pain. They thought it may have been gas pain and continued to give her Tylenol. Yesterday and today the pain increased as Abigail continued to cry out in pain.

Today as a result of the morning routine X-ray, the doctors discovered that there is something wrong with Abigail's pulmonary artery. It is either swollen which will require additional waiting to see if it goes down or it is too small and unable to handle the flow of blood which would require the doctors to once again do surgery. Hopefully in six hours they will be able to do an echo-cardiogram to determine the exact problem. Abigail will have to be sedated as they will also be doing an endoscopy down her throat.

The doctors are estimating that this problem with her artery has been causing great pressure and pain to poor Abigail's head, amongst other problems.

As you can imagine this is devastating news for our family. We ask for your immediate prayers in aiding the facilitation of another miracle in the life of Abigail. We thank you for your love and investment in the life of this sweet little baby.

***UPDATE Oct 26 9:28pm from my phone***
From the echo-cardiogram they discovered that there is a vein bringing deoxygenated blood back into the right atrium, which in Abigail's heart pumps out oxygenated blood. This could be an explanation as to why her oxygen saturation levels have been low.

Tomorrow they will be doing another surgery. From what I understand of the surgery and its purposes, they will be going through her femoral artery to close off this vein to see if this will raise her oxygen saturation levels. They will also be checking pressure levels in different chambers of her heart to assess if an additional surgery may be needed soon. As I am uneducated in all the intricacies of the heart and its functions, I am a little unclear as to what all of this means. What I do know is that Abigail will be undergoing another surgery tomorrow and continues to need our prayers. Thank you dear friends and family!

***UPDATE Oct 27 3:23 pm from my phone***

After several delays Abigail finally left for surgery. She was originally scheduled for surgery around 10 this morning. Poor Abigail has to fast six hours prior to her surgery. Since they have postponed it several times today, Abigail has had to be without food all day long.

I spoke with Jani this morning and she sounded great!...very positive and calm. She said that they have been trying to make things seem a little more like home with toys, playmats, and going on walks in her little wagon. The nurses adore Abigail and enjoy coming in to play with her.

Jani also explained a little more about Abigail's surgery and sent me a little diagram trying to show the problem that the surgeons are trying to fix. This vein, called a ligament of Marshall, normally does not have a blood flow. For some reason it has started to bring deoxygenated blood from the superior vena cava into the left atrium mixing both oxygenated and deoxygenated blood causing Abigail's oxygen saturation levels to be low. The surgeons are hoping that by putting a coil on the vein they will prevent further blood flow and this will raise her oxygen saturation levels. Hopefully this is the only problem and the pulmonary artery is only swollen and not too small to handle the blood flow.

Jani told me that they normally check the pressures of the heart chambers during the surgery Abigail just had, but because they didn't want to be so invasive they decided not to do it then. They will be doing it this time. Instead of entering through the femoral artery, they will be going through arteries in her neck and side.

Her surgery will last a couple of hours. Hopefully they will know right away if it was successful. Thank you all once again for your continued prayers and support.

***UPDATE Oct 27 10:34 pm***

Forgive me for the lateness of this update.  

At 5:30 pm Abigail came out of her procedure, a declared success by her oxygen saturation statistics which immediately improved.  The surgeons were able to stop the blood flow in the vein, the ligament of Marshall.  The pulmonary artery seemed to be a non-factor in the surgery.  Kathy, Jani's mother, did confess that it was "pretty frightening to see her afterwards.  She seemed to be gasping for breath but they assured us that it was her Laryngeal Malaysia problem in her throat and not her breathing."  Kathy explained this term to me, which I was completely unfamiliar with.  It is her damaged larynx that collapses and causes her to breath and snore very loudly.  "Apparently we all have that vein.  We must use it in utero but it is supposed to close off shortly after birth.  Hers, on the other hand, opened up more and more because of the pressure from the Glenn."  The Glenn Procedure is the name given to the surgery Abigail had last week.  This gasping has caused quite the scares for Jani and Jesse and especially little Abigail, whose eyes are wide with panic when she can not catch her breath.

After the surgery Abigail was brought back to the CICU.  Kathy, Jani, and Jesse had to wait an hour to see her because they kicked them out for staff rotation.  Seems so unfair.  

After 15 hours, Abigail was finally allowed to eat.  Poor little angel!  Kathy reported that "they just kept pushing back the time for the procedure.  It was really frustrating and soo tough on Abigail.  She is so incredibly sweet and patient."  

I pray that she will now be able to heal and that this may be the close of this chapter of her surgeries until the next one, projected at age 3-5.  I look forward to seeing her smiley, wiggly self very soon.  Thank you all again for your prayers in behalf of Abigail and our entire family.  Jani told me today that she feels like the prayers of everyone in her baby's behalf has been the reason Abigail has done so well in recovering.  Thank you to all!

Love Her Mother

One last photo to end the day.  One I have to say that is a favorite of mine.  To see my strong brother gingerly hold his angel baby girl.  To see him stare down at her longing to be able to protect her from all that she is going through.  If you know Jesse, you know that he is a protector.  We as sisters have benefited from that trait many times.  He watches.  Oh boy, does he watch.  And when he senses danger, he is there...quickly.  He has never been afraid to step in and do all he can to steer us from any potential harm.  I know that this instinct is crying out in his mind and yanking at his heart, that he can not take this pain from Abigail.  That he could not have prevented it.  But what he can do, he has done...be there by her side.  Hold her.  Love her.  And love her mother.

If you were able to participate in listening to the General Conference of our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you were able to hear a powerful address given by Elaine S. Dalton entitled, "Love Her Mother".  She begins, 

No words describe the sacred occasion when a new father holds a baby daughter in his arms for the first time. This year three of our sons have become new fathers of baby girls. As I watched our rugged, strong, rugby-playing son, Jon, hold his first baby daughter in his arms, he looked at her with a reverent tenderness, and then he looked at me with an expression that seemed to say, “How do I raise a girl?”... 

The answer has been taught by the Lord’s prophets. It is a simple answer, and it is true—“The most important thing a father can do for his [daughter] is to love [her] mother.”¹ By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. She will learn from your example what to expect from young men and what qualities to seek in a future spouse. You can show your daughter by the way you love and honor your wife that she should never settle for less. Your example will teach your daughter to value womanhood. You are showing her that she is a daughter of our Heavenly Father, who loves her.

Such truth!  This Jesse can do, does, and will continue to do.  I know that to be true.

As Jesse and Jani have labored through this trial together, I know that their love for each other has grown.  What a blessing to Abigail to have parents who are united in their faith and their love.  As a child, this unity in your parent's marriage is something almost tangible.  A type of security blanket.  I was blessed with this wonderful covering as a child.  I pray my children feel this in our own home. For Abigail, it will provide a comfort and a safe haven for her as she continues to heal and perhaps becomes discouraged regarding her limitations.  She will see the love of her Heavenly Father for her manifested in the love within her own home.

***UPDATE Oct 23 9:09 pm ***

I received photos from Jani and my mother today as well as a darling little video of a happy, active baby Abigail.  {I can't seem to get the video to load, so I'll try again later.}  Jani reported this morning that they were concerned that she may have an infection so they were running some labs.

My mom writes:  

"She's feeling better today as you can happily see!!  Her stats have fluctuated quite a bit today which the nurse couldn't figure out why.  But they're thinking that with her activity that the monitor on her little foot and hand cannot measure accurately.  But when she's sleeping or resting its in the lower 80s which is good for her!!  So we're happy to see her smiling and kicking!!"

I will try to get that video up on here so you can view it.  Seeing her busy little body is an instant spirit lifter!

***UPDATE Oct 24 5:34 pm from my phone***
More and more smiles from our little miracle baby! I'm teasing you all by telling you that my mom sent me an even cuter video of Abigail today:). {Would love some help from all you tech geniuses on how to get videos from my IPhone to Aperture to Blogger. Believe it or not, nothing on YouTube}. She is sitting up in her bed smiling and kicking away! Such a sight!! The nurse told Jani that she was doing so well that if she didn't have a little cold they might have released her tomorrow. Such a miracle after only a week! Here's your Abigail fix for the day:

Don't Let Me Go

This morning I received a despairing text from Jani. She informed me that they decided to keep Abigail in ICU one more day. They would be removing two of the chest tubes but leaving one in. "She has been waking up in a panic. She has a hard time coughing due to the pain. She then begins to close her airways which causes her to panic more. Her poor eyes plead for help. It breaks my heart. All we can do is put our arm under her head and rub her face. When she does all of this all of her stats go down. Today they tried suctioning her throat and her nose to see if that would help. Suctioning her nose gave her a bloody nose. Our poor baby! She is a true fighter and has such a strong spirit."

Jani did tell me that besides her panic attacks, she is healing well. Jani said that all the doctors have called Abigail a superstar. "There are some families here that have children with similar diagnosis as Abigail and have had the same surgeries that have been in the hospital for months. Abigail truly is a miracle."

Later on today I received this photo from my mother. The chest tubes were removed so Jani was finally able to hold her!!! Abigail's firm little grip on Jani's finger seems to be communicating, "Don't let me go." Jani's face is focused but you can read the weight of concern and pain she feels for her child. I have no doubt she is wishing that the pain was on her and not Abigail. I pray she may continue to feel the optimism of these doctors as they cheer Abigail on despite the emotionally draining effects of Abigail's panic attacks.

And as she sees these little tear filled eyes, she may know that this is just a moment and will feel the outstretched arms of her own Heavenly parent wishing to comfort her in this, a great refining moment in her journey of faith. Jesse and Jani, your example of unwavering faith will stand as a witness for your children for generations to come.

***UPDATE Oct 22 2:53pm***

Today the remainder of Abigail's tubes were removed.  Jani's mother sent me a photo after they took them out and I have to say that I could barely glance at it, with her exposed incision and stitches.  Forgive me for not posting it.  It was too much for me to handle right now.  I am sure that I should see it as an outward sign of a miracle, but it is just so difficult to see this baby's beautiful skin interrupted by such a horrific looking flaw.  It seems harshly out of place.

On a more positive and grateful note, Abigail was just released from ICU and now has a new room on a regular floor.  The look of this room has a completely different feel, with her own window and far fewer monitors...a far less intense feeling.  A feeling of healing.